I DON'T know who the Labour party were trying to fool with their recent election campaign. Fancy employing all sorts of smoke and mirror techniques to distract the electorate and pull the wool over our eyes by reeling off all sorts of polices and economic tomfoolery. Was it some Machiavellian attempt to avoid the real issues that are important to the vast majority of voters?

In a shameful display of why the loony-Guardian-reading-left cannot be trusted, Milliband and his fellow deceivers tried every trick in the book to bamboozle voters with the ridiculous contention that reducing austerity, the necessity to keep a welfare state, and closing the gap between the mega rich and the ever growing numbers of poor was somehow more relevant and important, than how he conducted his face whilst eating a bacon sandwich. Did they think that the general public were the sort of idiots who would allow someone to guide the country who struggles to guide two slices of bread, some butter, bacon and probably tomato ketchup (hence his moniker “Red Ed”) into his mouth, whilst being photographed by a thankfully, ever vigilant, Murdoch sponsored press.

Everyone one knows that a real man would have had brown sauce on the sandwich. Anyone who wants to go head to head with those mayonnaise-eating Europeans needs to be able to send out the right signals. Can you imagine how easily we, as a country would be pushed around when it comes to debating and negotiating the future European legislation, if our prime minister wasn't able to navigate a baguette convincingly? We would be better off, giving the keys to the country to Monsieur Jean Claude foreign man and surrendering rather then suffer the indignity of having those smug European federalist laughing through the croissants and bratwurst. Prime minister Milliband would no doubt be trying his old tricks of discussing economic reform while all the while the rest of the European parliament were passing round secret notes of how ridiculous he had looked at lunch time.

Thankfully, with the help of that long time friend of the people Rupert, Milliband and his bacon have been cooked and banished to obscurity. Surely our beloved Mr Murdoch should be given an extraordinary honour in recognition for literally saving our bacon, perhaps he could be made master of the (bacon) rolls or something. It just seems that, without him and the other right wing publications, we as a country would be made to think about all sorts of frankly distasteful and distracting issues, like the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP) for example. If you are wandering what that is and how come you haven’t heard about it, relax it's just another example of how our beloved mister Murdoch keeps the nasty stuff out of our reach in order that we can get on with the more important business of awaiting the delivery and naming of the granddaughter of a former trolley dolly.

Without the intervention of Rupert we would be no doubt inundated with all sorts of unimportant irrelevance like the recent revelations regarding Ian Cameron’s off-shore tax avoiding investments that his son, our prime-minister has allegedly inherited. Why would anyone want to discuss that sort of irrelevance when we have a general election and a Scottish nation to alienate?

What is it with these do-gooders and their insistence in trying to bring the debate and mood down to mundane simple facts and truths, when what really matters is what uncle Rupert tells you what matters?

Remember, if the idiots who ignore Rupert start acting up and getting bolshie, start throwing their toys out of their prams (and through shop windows) just because the £12bn in welfare cuts creates more poverty and division , ignore them they are just sore losers (and looters, no doubt)!