Of course Ched Evans shouldn't be allowed to return to football

The last thing women need is a man convicted of this horrible crime larging it on thousands of pounds a week on a public platform where he is in danger of becoming a hero to small boys and a role model for stupid ones.

But something else women in the UK don’t need is celebs like Judy Finnigan weighing in to inform us that because: “He didn’t cause her (the victim) bodily harm” and “She had far too much to drink,” he should be allowed to go back to his former job.

Like many women I happen to think it would be a whole lot better if females everywhere did not get so drunk they are not sure who they are having sex with or even if they consented to it.

But my believing that doesn’t change one jot the fact that however drunk, scantily-clad or whatever a woman is, when a man has sex with her without her consent, he is raping her.

If she’s so drunk he’s not sure what she’s saying then he should wait until she’s sober. Not just hope she really was that keen on him and that it’ll all be OK.

The way Judy described what happened to Evans’ teenage victim in a Rhyl hotel as ‘unpleasant’ doesn’t really do justice to how terrifying and horrible this attack must have been for her.

And even though Judy later apologised for ‘any offence that I may have caused’ – she says she wasn’t suggesting it was anything other than a ‘horrendous crime’ and she has now become a victim of internet threats herself – the fact that she even said it should ring alarm bells.

Judy is still a person of influence, so her apparently believing that people who have served time for crimes such as this should be allowed to go back to normal is worrying.

Especially when you consider that on average, 60 alleged rapes are reported every day.

Because we’re not talking minor fraud, ABH or shoplifting here, are we?

If the Ched Evanses of this world can go back to their former jobs, does that mean we should have Rolf Harris back on family TV and Stuart Hall on Radio 5?

Thankfully that isn’t going to happen, and neither should it for Ched Evans. If, as he claims, he’s totally innocent, then any legal appeal should prove that and his name will be cleared.

But if, as the law stands, he’s guilty then he can get a job commensurate with his current worth, can’t he?

In his case, scrubbing the pavements with his bare hands, I’d say.

My friend Chris ... and the budgie smugglers

AS MOST of you will have heard by now, our dear colleague and production chief, Chris Parnell, sadly died this week.

Among his myriad jobs was to lay out this column. In other words, making my infuriated ramblings look brilliant and coherent on the page, which he did with enduring style and élan.

Chris’s humour was dryer than a double vodka martini and one of the things which amused him greatly was my obsession with Daniel Craig, whose charms he steadfastly refused to acknowledge. I’d only have to email the words: ‘Chris, picture!’ to ensure a stream of witty invective about why we couldn’t use that image in the column again.

I’ll miss him for that, for his brilliant professionalism and for being an all-round diamond, even though we argued all the time.

I wish he could read these words now because I know they would make him laugh out loud.

Chris, we were so lucky to have you and we will miss you so very, very much.

Red carpet gets them all

THE retired IRA commander Martin McGuinness reckons he admires the Queen’s ‘courage’ in agreeing to meet him and he now ‘likes’ her.

Doesn’t this ridiculous man understand that it wasn’t courage that made Her Maj do it but seamless professionalism? And that when it was all over she would have gone back to Buck House, cranked up the Earl Grey, and had a good laugh with Phillip about how Red Carpet Fever gets to them all in the end.

Expensive weddings don't make a happy marriage

US RESEARCHERS have discovered that the cheaper your wedding, the happier your marriage is likely to be.

The old man and I got hitched in secret at the dump that was Southampton Register office.

He wore a suspiciously green-looking suit from Next and I wore a Laura Ashley jacket and a perm that made me look like an explosion in a Brian May doll factory (if such a thing exists).

We had dinner with our two witnesses at a restaurant for £100 and the main wedding present – an ancient bottle of Gevry Chambertin – ended up more expensive than the nuptials.

Next year we’re celebrating our silver wedding...

Monty Python rakes in cash

JOHN Cleese reportedly says there won’t be any more Monty Python revivals. “We all felt it had been very satisfactory and great fun and now we move on,” he trills.

What I suspect he really means is: “The plan worked, the fans paid up; now go away until my next divorce.”